1. European regulators have fined Microsoft $730 million for antitrust violations. Said Bill Gates, “Here’s a billion, keep the change.”
2. It has been reported, that until an election can be held, Vice President Nicolas Maduro will take over as President of Venezuela after the death of Hugo Chavez. One obstacle to that plan, teaching Venezuelan people what an election is.
3. It has been reported, that until an election can be held, Vice President Nicolas Maduro will take over as President of Venezuela after the death of Hugo Chavez. Also, there won’t be an election.
4. It has been reported, that until an election can be held, Vice President Nicolas Maduro will take over as President of Venezuela after the death of Hugo Chavez. So let me be the first to congratulate President Maduro on his upcoming, and in no way suspicious, election victory.
5. In a report to Congress, the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction determined the U.S. spent too much money in Iraq, specifically $60 billion in taxpayer funds, for far too few results. Also a waste of money, that report. I could have told you that for free.
6. The White House Visitor Center has canceled all tours in the wake of forced spending cuts that have hit the federal government. So expect the President to be walking around the White House in his underwear a lot more now.
7. It has been reported that North Korea has released a list of twenty-eight government approved men’s haircuts. Great, like it wasn’t already hard enough to tell them apart.
8. Thousands of Londoners are angry at Justin Bieber this morning after he arrived on stage nearly two hours late for a sold out concert. They have a right to be angry, after he got everybody’s hopes up and then showed up.
9. Teams of Iranian sharpshooters have been assigned to target rats in an attempt to curb Tehran’s longstanding rodent problem. I know we’re not invading Iran, but if we decide to do so, I think I have a really good idea for a diversion.
10. (I haven’t decided on which of the following punchlines I dislike the least, so I’m writing them all and hopefully you like one of them, here goes) The FAA announced that it will close 173 air traffic control towers on April 7th. But no need to worry, they have a back-up plan:
-planes won’t take off, they will just taxi to their destination.
-fiery mid-air collisions, hey at least they have a plan.
-airplanes will just circle forever.
