1. A freshman guard on the Oklahoma State basketball team has been kicked off the squad following an arrest for urinating out of a moving vehicle. “If I had to do it again, I think I would have closed my sun-roof,” said the guy in the car behind him.
2. On Tuesday, the National Weather Service forecast that that winter storm that is slowly moving across the country will stretch from Wyoming to Maine and affect nearly 120 million people. In a related story, Punxsutawney Phil has added a deadbolt to the front door of Gobblers Knob.
3. Russian President Vladimir Putin arrived in Sochi on Tuesday, a few days before the start of the Winter Olympics. Said Putin, “This place looks terrible, what happened to all the decorators?”
4. After the SuperBowl, quarterback Michael Vick tweeted “No disrespect to Doug Baldwin but I think Russell Wilson should have got the MVP of last nights game.” One problem, Doug Baldwin didn’t win the MVP either, it actually went to linebacker Malcolm Smith. Although, it’s not surprising, because as an Eagles fan I’m used to seeing Vick drop back to pass and not even see the linebacker in coverage.
5. According to Britain’s “Mail on Sunday,” Queen Elizabeth has asked Kate Middleton to ditch the short skirts in favor of more conservative outfits. Kate could go ultra-conservative like Camilla Parker Bowles and wear a bag over her head.
6. According to the Congressional Budget Office, President Obama’s healthcare law will reduce the American workforce by 2 million full-time jobs by 2017. But, in the President’s defense, by 2017 it will no longer be his problem.
7. On Tuesday, Microsoft named a new CEO as Bill Gates was relieved of his duties as chairman. When asked about his future plans, Gates said, “Well, first-thing’s-first, I’m going to file for unemployment.”
8. According to a new study, half of parents with an overweight or obese child think their kids are slimmer than they actually are. News flash, your kid’s ugly too.
9. Two volunteer coaches of the eight-year-old football players featured on the reality show “Friday Night Tykes” have been suspended for encouraging dangerous play and bad behavior. “They’re a bunch of pussies,” said ex-coach Richie Incognito.
10. On the heels of the cyber-attack on Target, another credit card breach has been detected at hotel chains including Marriott, Holiday Inn and Sheraton. Alright, I give up. Let’s just get the inevitable over with, my Amex number is 3971 813352 9204, expiration date 03/17. Enjoy.
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